A Love Letter to Jason Schwartzman

Dear Mr. Schwartzman,

Sorry to start so formal, but I feel as though I should be just to brace you for the rest of this letter. Now I’m sure you get hundreds of these, seeing as you are a big time movie man, but I want you to know that I am a step above the rest. I’m going to be blunt, you are extremely attractive and I would like to get to know you. I know you have a wife, and I’m sure you are happy together seeing as I haven’t heard anything about a falling out, but that doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Here’s my big picture Mr. Schwartzman: You, me and the wide open sea.

Yes, we will be adventurers! We will loot and pillage and make the world a worse off place for those who cross our paths! As you can see sir, I have thought this plan through many times. I know secretly, in your heart of hearts, you have thought about it too.

Have you ever noticed the young girl in the track suit who always seems to be walking her dog? That’s not me, Jason (I feel we’ve gotten close enough through the course of this note for me to call you Jason), I’m classier than that. I’m the kind of person who sits in front of their computer screen, trying to sort the facts from the lies. In truth, I know all. Like I know you some what fancy yourself a musician. That’s good; music will be an important part of our voyages.

We’ll start off with the funds you’ll make off of a couple of small gigs, only enough to buy a small rig perfect for the two of us. After we gain notoriety on all of the seven seas, we’ll turn to the lucrative spice trade. Yes, we’ll trade muskets and young women for fresh cinnamon and other exotic flavors, only to trade them again for the finest of silks and gold.

I certainly hope this is all sinking in Jason. If I did my job right, you’ll currently have the rustling of the sails and the faint smell of saltwater stuck in your head. You’ll go to bed and you’ll lie awake, thinking of what could happen if you took up my offer. Your wife will look at you from across the dining table and say, “Honey... What’s wrong?” but you’ll be thinking of the adventures you could be having. The distant hum of the television will take you back to a simpler time, back to your childhood dream of being a pirate and you’ll slowly realize that you’ve started to cry. Why make yourself suffer like that Jason?

Sincerely,
A Friend